This is a transcription of some journal entries about how I ended up with my familiar companion.
Helena’s got a new familiar, a fluffy little hazelnut bunny, and she’s named him Fluffers. She’s had him three hours and already her entire social media feed is pics of him wearing bowties, and actual fake bunny ears. I’m trying to be annoyed about it, but he snarls when you cuddle him, which is unbelievably cute, so I get it. Two hours ago she put up a video where she set him on his back to put little mittens on his front paws and he tried to disembowel her.
I wish I could figure out how to find my own familiar. It’s such a difficult, emotional process. I’m gonna go on the roof and see if I can get the gargoyles to eat their kibble out of my hand.
Jas got a wolf, you guys! Yeah, he ate her the minute she got him in the cabin. Thank the spirits he swallowed her cell phone, too. Helena and I had to go over there and cut her out of him. He’s okay, he’s just pretty pissed off. Helena was criticizing my stitches closing his abdomen the whole time I was sewing him back up and maybe I MIGHT have made them a little too tight, but it’s not the kind of job you want to do twice. Plus, she could’ve done a better job holding him still. As it is, I’m not going for any walks in the woods for a while. Helena suggested Jas try a goldfish familiar. I’m thinking one of those tiny goats. Or maybe a nice, classical cat.
As for me, I’d love a hyena. I could sic it on the undead ghouls in my garden, and we could watch terrible movies and laugh together! I bet it’d even eat chili cheese fries with me.
What do hyenas eat? It would be nice if I could get it to eat the ghouls. But then, imagine the breath!
Jas and Helena aren’t speaking, because when Helena went on a weekend trip to visit her lovers, she asked Jas to watch Fluffers. I know the reason Helena asked her was because she’s trying to get Jas to choose a familiar that isn’t a huge apex predator (Jas tried an eagle after the wolf. It did not go well, either.) We figured, even Jas can handle a bunny, right?
Unless, of course, Jas keeps her grimoires in piles on the floor where a bunny can reach them. Fluffers ate chunks out of half of Jas’s library, which has got Jas suuuuuper mad, and that’s understandable. But Helena is mad because every time she tries to pet Fluffers now, he barks like a huge dog, spits fire at her, and sprouts bat wings and flies away! She sent me a video and it’s the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen! You won’t find it on any of her social media though, she’s super embarrassed. I’d be showing EVERYONE! Fluffers is awesome. Helena is so lucky.
UPDATE: GUESS WHO’S GOT A BUNNY FAMILIAR!??!?!?!!!
to be continued…
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