(Transcribed directly. Any deviations from the plan of this post are entirely Helena’s fault. And I want to just say, this is basically my sister, so we can talk to each other like this. Nobody else can talk to her like this.)
Ayla: Alright hon, say hello to my readers! Introduce yourself.
Helena: Hi readers! I’m Helena, assigned name Bogg as per tradition.
A: So, tell us a little about what it means to you to be a bog witch in Dubbaco.
H: Well, back in 1834 the first mayor-
A: Nope, uh-uh, we talked about this, Lena, no history lessons.
H: Well, how am I supposed to give context of what it’s like if nobody knows about the first bog witch?
A: Nobody wants to hear that. Tell us about your house. Bog House.
H: Okay, rude. And the Bog House has a ton of history, too! Like, the marshy ground was a huge source of strife for the first settlers here. It was home to a number of previously uncategorized creatures, for one thing, and the sourcing of lumber for the communal cabin, which could be likened to the birchbark longhouses of the-
H: Okay fine, God, what do you want me to say! What is this blog about anyway? What do you even talk about if you don’t talk about the town?
A: Just, life. Stuff, whatever’s happening, what we do for the town, what it’s like to be us. My last post was about how to numb a bunny’s mouths to perform emergency oral surgery.
H: That thing is not a bunny. What do you mean ‘mouths’?
A: Leave Fluffers alone. So, you live in the Bog House, which you have decorated to look all glossy and white and pristine and gorgeous, which is the complete opposite of what people think a bog house is supposed to be like. And you charmed it to let the sunshine in, even though the canopy overhead is thick, which is really cool. Tell us about that.
H: … but I can’t mention the town accords that allows for the current witch to perform cosmetic changes to the assigned dwellings.
A: No you can’t.
H: Well, what else is there to say!
A: You super suck at this.
H: You’re the interviewer!
A: Fair. So, I’ll just read you the questions that have been sent in about you, let’s start there.
H: Go ahead.
A: This first one is “how did you become a Dubbaco witch?”
H:… Next question.
A: Are you serious?
H: It’s complicated. What’s the next question?
A: “Are you dating anyone?”
H: I’m leaving.
A: You are the WORST!
H: Well, are YOU dating anyone?
A: You know I’m not.
H: I don’t know what I know! Heard from Obari lately?
A: That’s my cue to tell the readers that you are in a committed polyamorous relationship and off the market.
H: And why do they need to know that?
A: Representation matters. Different relationships styles with healthy commitment, it’s good!
H: Fine. Yes, all of that. Next question.
A: “Who does your hair?”
H: These are the questions?
A: This is a lifestyle blog. Or, a diary-blog, something like that. And weren’t you the one in the magazine article with that big purple spiral afro last week, Miss Better-Than?
H: True. Okay, I maintain my own actual hair, but I like wigs so I wear them. I have a friend who creates custom ones for me, we design them together, and he ships them out to me. He’s a genius.
A: I’m a little jealous of the butt-length stick-straight Cher wig, I’m not gonna lie.
H: This is so silly.
A: It’s fun. Next question, what do you like best about being a Dubbaco witch?
H: Oh, I like that one. Well, I grew up in the town, and I’ve always loved it and studied everything I could about it, like the local flora and fauna, and the lore, and the history that I’m not allowed to tell you about for some reason. Working for the town as witch lets me put all of that to use for my people. The whole county, actually. It’s really rewarding. It’s like I have a personal relationship with the land, we coexist and we are aware of each other and take care of each other. It’s a beautiful way to live.
A: Nice! Next question, what are your strengths as a witch?
H: I mean… I can do it all, not to brag, but I like potionwork and HISTORY, which is IMPORTANT, but I’m not allowed to TALK about it!
A: You have sixty seconds to give us history trivia, not a second more. Go.
H: Yay! Okay, the town was founded in the 1800’s, the first Mayor who settled the area couldn’t keep people here so he sent out for people who were unwanted in society, and when he wanted to bring women here he sent people to nearby towns to rescue condemned witches, and the ones who had actual gifts were able to make the town habitable, and from then on our witches were brought from other places and reported to the mayor. Um, The Bog House was the first dwelling specifically for us witches, the Hill Cabin you live in was the second one built for our forebears, and Jasperine’s Fen Shaderooms sort of just happened, we don’t know when, we think it might have been around the time the Fen Witch Doraleen came to the town in 19-
A: Time! Just so you know, people are going to ask how you are a town witch if the rules say you can only be a witch if you are hired from outside the town.
H: Well, I was an exception, but I don’t want to get into it.
A: I’m just saying. Okay, last question- how could you let me get completely ambushed by my welcome ceremony-
H: See, I KNEW you were going to do this!
A: I come outside early in the morning to do some sun salutations in the sun after my first night in the cabin, and what do I find but a crowd of a THOUSAND people and like a full high school marching band and color guard…
H: It wasn’t a thousand people.
A: And there I am, ass in the breeze, and all these cameras…
H: Nobody told you to come outside in your chonies. You need to own your choices.
A: That’s how I sleep! And if I had known about the event earlier, I might have been prepared.
H: Yeah, lucky Obari was there to cover your butt for you, huh?
A: This interview is over, you get a C-.
H: I don’t think so, I’m taking over now. Let’s talk about what actually happened.
A: Okay, let’s talk about it!
H: So, I drive to pick up your ungrateful ass from three towns over at the train station in the middle of the night, and when I finally dropped you off and went home, I was so tired that I went straight to bed. I PLANNED on telling the Mayor in the morning that you were home and we could start planning your debut for the end of that week. And then I get up and pour myself some tea and turn on the news and there you are on my screen, standing on the porch behind the Mayor who is giving your welcome speech, and you’re half dressed, and Obari is standing there right next to you grinning like he-
A: Thanks Helena, you’ve been great, D+. Say goodbye, everyone!
H: Oh, I see, I guess we DON’T wanna talk about it then.
A: Love you, Lena!
H: Yeah, whatever.
A: I’ll bump you up to a B.
H: Give me my damn A before I hurt you.